Sunday, January 2, 2011

My Brother


A picture of me and my bro when I came home after cosfest Day2.
Cos last minute, twinneh helped me bought the singlet for Miyavi, but it was 2 for something. So I gave one to my brother, cos its a guy's singlet and he looked good in singlets anyway cos he works out and play sports.

As siblings, I would not say that we are super close, but I would not say that we are that distant either. He would poked his nose into my business and I would. Vice versa kind of thing but not too much.

I remember when we are still young. I used to torture him almost every week due to some disagreements that we always have.
Back then, I was a super violent kid with anger management. When we maul each other, we meant serious business. We would end up with bruises and both crying angry tears, but and complaining to mom at the same time. She wouldnt really take sides unless it is really one of us at a big fault, we'll usually be sent to stand in corners...where we would quickly make up cos we are so bored with nothing to do. Then, when we start snickering at the corners from jokes each other made up, we would get soclded badly again and have our time extended. BUUUUUUUUU hahaha
I've always been taller, faster and stronger den my brother, so I would always do the meanest things. Like tying him up or throwin a 1.5L full bottle right at him, he would return with things like chairs and toys.

I forgot exactly when did we stop the physical abuse, we moved on to hurling insults at each other when we are angry. We would slam the doors super loudly and get scoldings. This time.. it was different. We were made to KNEEL at the altar. I got it quite alot, cos I am the delinquent of the house so I am used to it. However he got his share when he moved on to around primary 5 or 6 too.

We werent exactly the best brother/sister one could have, but we shared alot of stuff. We sympathize with each other time to time too. For example, when i got punished, he would sit by me and talk to me. If he felt that I was unfairly punished, he would kneel beside me as a protest.
When I moved into secondary 3, and he was in Primary 5. He caused alot of troubles. Got whooped by dad so very often until he sometimes get serious bruises. I would bring medication to him and apply for it. I will never say a single word, he would be very strong when I know it hurts like shit[i know cos i got hit badly before too], sometimes I would find myself tearing. He would just be expressionless.

After I got into Sec4, I've started my cosplay life, WAY TOO "BUSY". We started talking less, and I refused to teach him homework because he was such a pain in the ass [he wouldnt listen either cos he doesnt wanna study]. When he got into sec1 and I've graduated to Poly, he started having his own life too and we talked even lesser.
The only occassions we had together was watching teebee and him borrowing money from me *rolls eyes*

I forgot which year was it, when he first supposedly "fell-in-love" and let me know it. I was kinda busy-body, so I listened. He wanted to buy the girl the watch I was wearing, cost $40. He asked me to look for it for him, and loan him some cash to buy. I was furious luh.
me: DONT BE STUPID CAN? $40 IS ALOT LEH. Plus, she is not even your girlfriend. You think that if you buy it, she will like you??!!
bro: AIYA. THIS IS LOVE OKAY, YOU DONT KNOW ONE LA.

I laughed in his face, because I know better.
Two week laters, he came and complain to me about her. I rolled my eyes and said, I TOLD YOU SO.

When I got over my one of my low tide period[which I do not want to mention anymore] and moved on to Poly2, I became rather crazy. So at home, I tried to avoid alot of things which can make me sad/angry/frustrated. I changed the way I act, just so, which up till now, I still think its a very good way.
I would so very often harass my bro[by huggin him and pretending to kiss him] and my mom[doing the same and flippin her off with love you before she can scold me], and have little chats with my dad. Howver this time, whenever my dad beat my bro, I would hide in my room, blocking everything out. I did not want to get myself involve in anything.

Slowly throughout the years, my dad stopped hitting us, cos he thinks that we've grown up and have the ability to think for ourselves. I busied myself with things like cosplay/dolls while my brother got himself a girlfriend. The couple of them are always meeting, bunkin out and each other and always loving. I enjoyed disturbing them.

Slowly, my own problems caught up again, I was forced to keep to myself. During that period, I've never paid attention to my bro at all. I graduated and still kept to myself. After breaking up with Shinn, I've decided to try and move back into the family circle. I started noticing that my bro is ALWAYS MISSING. Going out early morning and coming back late at night, sometimes calling my phone and asking me to open the door for him...at 1AM. FREAKIN 1AM.
I still did not notice much.

I've always have this mindset of my brother, that he is like a clone of me, jus in a darker skin tone and abit less smart in terms of both IQ and EQ.
I was proven wrong within two days. We might look alike, but he is very much different.

His girlfriend. Broke up with him. 1yr6mths. Okay, I know it might not sound alot, but for someone like me, sounds like a feat, esp if you are meetin every other day 0w0;;;

My brother has always been stubborn, but I've always thought he was strong. The last time I saw him cry in public was when he was young, and my parents prolly refused to buy him something or scolded him for something he did. That day, I accompanied his ex-girl, and went to look for him, to have a chat. Even before the chat started, he was already crying, he wanted to die. I was furious.YOU ARE MY BROTHER, AND YET YOU ARE SAYING THIS KIND OF THINGS?YOU ARE SUPPOSE TO BE LIKE ME, TO LET GO EASILY.
After we talked, and emotions run high, on top of the other problems and pressure I had that week, I broke down too.

my brother was suicidal.

Two nights ago, he ran out without telling anyone, at 2AM, on new year's night. I was feeling rather pissed off over some issue so I decided to turn in. I went out to remind him to off the modem[its a tradition thing in our house, and usually both of us are the last to sleep so we remind each other to avoid scolding nex morning], I couldnt see him at the desk but his com was on, so i went in his room, wasnt there. Sure as hell he wasnt in the kitchen cos the lights are off [he has a little fear of dark like me]. I panicked. I had a suicidal brother MISSING. I called his phone, did not answer, I nearly wanted to raise a ruckus and he picked up on the second time. He was out cycling near the area.

For the whole of the nex day, I did not talk to him, much less look at him. Until around 10?, when my father came home, i heard them discussing why my brother was hurt. My brother said he fell, so i jus took it as it is, cos he ALWAYS falls about 3/10 times he is biking, esp when he goes too fast.

Approx. 1AM or 2AM, he smsed me and asked if he could talk to me, so I jus asked him to come in. I saw the wounds. They are not normal, definitely not somthing you can get by falling accidently. Suicidal fall, I call it.
We talked. The contents are really too long since we talked till 5AM odd. I reprimanded him for quite abit of things, he stayed silent because he knew that he was at fault. I still know him, when he stay silent, it is because he cannot think of a good comeback, it is not because he isnt listening or does not agree.
I blamed him for his wounds. Its prolly my hormones, but it got so emotional that I started tearing AGAIN. yes, i m actually a rather crybaby ever since young, but it went dead for a while but I have all reasons to believe that I am starting again. While I talked and teared, he could only look at his own hands.

However, this talk sorted out alot of things. I know it still doesnt change his mind on the girl [he went out that night not only to bike but also because the girl called to see him]. Shuyi. He realised how much he have missed about the family outings, that was one thing that was redeeming i guess.

Dad woke up, the three of us talked abit. I helped to cover his story abit on the wounds, and sent him to bed. Promised to spend the day at home with him in case he needs me too, so i cancelled my appointment with Shinya.

==

Following story does not have anything to do with my bro but i thought since it is what happened too, might as well blogged about it.

During my convo with my bro, Delvis called too to inquire about my FB status, I sorta brushed him off cos I was busy. After my bro went back to sleep, I called him back. Crazy guy, he isnt exactly... I am not going to jus incase he gets into trouble, but he drove from whereever he was to my place, in an alarmingly fast time.

The starting convo on the phone was funny though
me: where are you?
delvis: i dont know
me: how can you know
delvis: i really dunno where i am *high*
me: no. serious, look around, where are you?
delvis: QIN AI DE~~~ DONT ASK ALREADY, I REALLY DONT WHERE I AM *wheeeeee*

I seriously facepalmed.

But yeap.
So he came over and we chat, till his mom called him and scolded him and he has to go home =.= in record timing again prolly.

So I knocked out at 7am and woke up around 2pm.

==

back to where I end.

When I woke up, my mom told me that my brother woke up and gamed for a while and has went back to sleep. So I decided to wait it out, since I promised to cut his hair for him.

Talked abit with my mom. Played MHP3, killed the stupid bird without having the other boss bothering me...the stupid birdy used to summon the easy purple dino dog for me, but this time, the bird summon the mud one =A= I was so damn pissed off that i stopped halfway and din felt like playing. After finishing one book of fiction, I decided that it was time~ so I picked it up AGAIN. Surprisingly, I managed to kill it, without havin the other boss miaming me badly. As usual, Ah buip is the one who killed it. I realise Ah Buip always helped to deal the finishing blow quite a bit, esp when the boss is sleeping. LOL!!! Ah Buip is as sneaky as me 8DDD *huggles Ah buip*
Ah Buip is one my cats in MHP3 btw, the other one is Uke who picks up alot of stuff.

So after that my brother woke up, and asked me to help him cut his hair since school was reopening soon. I hate cutting short hair, cos its so hard to estimate properly cos its already short. So after I cut for him the first time during sec2 or 3, my mom has always been the one doing it.
He doesnt like his hair too short, but today he asked to thin it and to shorten it[cos its already damn long liao la]. I usually wont shorten it so much, but why not have a change? It is never too long. I swiped of his hair which was about prolly 11CM to half a pinky[4CM or so] might not sound alot... but it was like 4inch to 1inch.

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to
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So the difference was rather obvious.
I've also shorten his sides and fringe by alot. He did not complain and I thought it actually looked rather awesome.

Honestly. There is only so little things that I can do for him now. Even though we became closer these few days, I can only listen to him and do little things for him like cutting his hair or jus joking around with him. He can only pick himself up by himself.

I hope that even he wants to try one last time, this time, he would at least keep us in mind, and not make us worry so much. There are tons of girls around, but he has only one family. I've been telling him that so very oftenly and I hope he actually bears it in mind.

===


On the lighter side~~~
I think I am going to start taggin my blogpost with tags. Makes it so much easier for me to look through and find what I need =.= liek. seriously. Going through 700+++ posts and basing it on my poor memory lane doesnt exactly maximise the usage of time.

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