Wednesday, July 20, 2011

about my initial ideas


A little annoyed post during afternoon and to prove that I am not the only one thinking that way really. This is just a small portion of it.
Was going to blog about but decided against it anyway, pretty pointless since everyone has different stands.

This post will be just filled with self thoughts and questioning which is quite retarded so if you dont wanna read through boring words that are going through my brains and in a jumbled up crazy form, you are welcome to leave now.

While I was bathing... lol yes. bathing. -.- dont laugh
I was thinking about updating of blog, but I was really really tired.
As days goes by, I actually feel stressed about updating my blog. Why am I doing it? I used to blog so very often because I just blogged jus about anything I wish to and I dont feel oblidged to but why do i feel obligated to update oftenly nowadays? Even if i do promise and do it, how many people still read? You will never know because internet is annoymous in its own special way.
I just came to conclusion that I shall update when I feel like it and not try to force myself and update. Cos I realise, if i choose the latter way, I will just end up feeling pressured by myself[virgo's fucked up trait] and the update will never come. I should pull myself away from all the blogging hype because I see so many bloggers updating that i felt a need to do it too. It is stupid. Own pace, Sochii, own pace.

Fashion. Why do i feel like I have to dress up so oftenly? I do love fashion, I do love dressing up but it is starting to feel like a chore instead of enjoyment. I am no celebrity, why do I have to put so much effort into doing it? Who is really going to appreciate? I aim for perfection far too much and give myself unwanted pressure[stupid virgo trait again]. I should jus dress up only when I feel like it from now on instead of trying so hard everytime, seriously.

Makeup and wearing contacts. I am up to the point where I am starting to hate makeup and contacts because of the damage makeup does to my skin and how contacts dry out and hurts my eyes. It is a sickening feeling but still I always do it. Why? The reason is simple, because I cannot turn back anymore. I prefer looking decent than lookin like crap.
Fuck those who like natural beauty, you were the ones who shun fat and ugly people while being hypocrites and saying you like natural beauty. I'd say fuck them.
Ugly ppl can learn makeup
Fat people can slim down
I did both, they are just fuck lazy so they deserved the insults.

For those who are borned with a health condition, they are exceptions. At least they've tried. I hardly believe there is a condition where you will stay fat though, sounds like bullcrap to me.
I still like makeup and contacts, but I am starting to get really sick of it. What have I really acheieved in the end? Nothing cept for spending a ginormous amount of money. If I could turn back time

Emotions.
I used to be so much more carefree when I was younger.
To the point where people might say I am crazy, I hardly give a shit about the opinion of others. Life seems so much better back den. Zero responsibilities except to go to school and not get caught by authorities.
When I started to learn that people's opinions' do matter, i felt so restricted like I am suppose to live up to everyone's expectations. From that time onwards, it has always been me against the whole world.
I get to the point where I tried to fulfil everyone's expectation of me because I do not want to be a disappointment and I broke down for the very first time. For what? For what did I do it for? For whom did I do it? I certainly do not need it so who was it for?
I was left questioning myself over and over again. Even up to now.
Even with a bunch of friends and tons of acquaintances, I still feel that its me against the whole world. It is still me alone, standing and watching everything that is happening on the other side and trying in vain to get at least one person from the other side to turn his/her head to look at me for even once.
I ended up with an unknown condition. I prefer to leave it as an unknown condition because I do not want to know what it is, for fear that after knowing it, it will consume me. Every single morning, I wakeup, trying. Every single day, I stay awake, hoping. Every night, i go to bed, tearing and feeling disappointed or feeling numb/nothing.
At least my eyes got used to the tearing and I manage to wakeup without swollen eyes, but other than that, the feeling sucks.

So after all these thoughts, I just sit here once again and ask myself.
Why are you thinking about all these things over and over again for the gazillionth time if you know...
1. you are still going to continue what you are doing
2. you are still going to dress up
3. you are still going to pretend
4. you are still not anywhere near improvement

I dont know.
Funny how I always have the answers for someone's questions and I dont have answers for my own questions.
The irony.

conceited, stuckup, arrogant, fucked up, show off, bitchy, whore, bastard, wannabe...I've heard myself being described this way till I am totally numb to it. It is not that I m ignorant to all these, I jus choose not to listen to what negative things you have to say about me to bring me down because what you gave were insults not constructive comments.
Right now, in my life, i only take advices from two people, not going to mention who but they themselves know it. The other people who give me advices, I can only take it with a pinch of salt, because i am still unable to see eye to eye on their views because I will end up thinking "you could talk about me like that, but have you ever took a good long hour and reflect on yourself?"

Tired max.
Slept for 1/2hour during lunch break today, overshot lunch break and Alex have to wake me up. Thanks paopao long lao da. Am I really that worn out?

2 comments:

Marie said...

I enjoyed your post, I can surely relate where you are coming from. I don't know why I try so hard for perfection but who do I really prove it for? Now that I realized, its really to prove to yourself. I'm as vain I can be, but thats the trait that keeps me sane and myself. whatever works for you just keep doing it. Just wanted to comment on this because you are speaking my mind!!!

Sochii Kamiya and Andelia Rehauste said...

Marie >>. thanks alot <3 it really meant alot if you did enjoy such a reflective post. hope to see your comments more often ^^